Opinion

PARODY: Jordan, NBA lead fight against state feline

A proposal to name North Carolina’s state cat was purring toward passage. But the measure designating the bobcat as the state feline became entwined in controversy after basketball legend and Charlotte Hornets owner Michael Jordan began a dogged campaign to stop it, with the help of the NBA, Carolina Journal has learned. House Bill 74,...

CJ Staff
Opinion

PARODY: Citing Duke loss, Rams Club wants H.B. 2 expanded

CHAPEL HILL — Some UNC-Chapel Hill boosters think they have found a surefire way to return the Tar Heel men’s basketball team to dominance among its Triangle competitors. They’re urging boosters in other Atlantic Coast Conference states to push for laws resembling the recently repealed House Bill 2, Carolina Journal has learned. “Want to beat...

CJ Staff
Opinion

PARODY: Golden LEAF boosts wind farm/bird sanctuary center

ELIZABETH CITY — Pasquotank County public officials learned in February that they will receive a $9 million grant from the Golden LEAF foundation to build the Amazon Wind Farm Welcome Center and Bird Sanctuary Headquarters adjacent to the recently completed wind project. The total project budget is $9.2 million, with the county and the wind...

CJ Staff
Opinion

PARODY: UNC study leads to cancellation of football programs

Moved to action by a recently published study from UNC-Chapel Hill professor Andrew Reynolds, football coaches at colleges and universities across North Carolina — with a few exceptions — have asked the NCAA to dissolve their football programs and shift funding and resources to basketball. The study ranked North Carolina’s college football programs at a...

CJ Staff
Opinion

PARODY: Radical overhaul proposed for Council of State races

In an attempt to prevent a repeat of the disruption and delays that ensued in this year’s governor’s race, General Assembly leaders plan to introduce a constitutional amendment that would allow Council of State candidates to choose, in order of their vote totals, which one of the 10 positions they prefer, Carolina Journal has learned. The...

CJ Editors

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Opinion

PARODY: Lawmakers consider clown licensing

Responding to the nationwide rise of creepy clown sightings, state lawmakers soon will consider licensing clowns. The proposed law would require county sheriffs to accept applications, perform background checks, and issue clown licenses. Under the program, which would go into effect March 31, licensees would be issued a certified clown badge that must be visible...

CJ Editors
Opinion

PARODY FLASHBACK: ACC plans move to Bristol, Conn., as response to H.B. 2

Editor’s note: With the announcement that the NCAA will move seven national championship events from North Carolina because House Bill 2 remains part of state law, and the Atlantic Coast Conference considering its own response, we chose to repeat an eerily prescient parody from the August 2016 print edition of Carolina Journal.  Vowing not to be outmaneuvered by...

CJ Staff
Opinion

PARODY: ABC trucks to address N.C. ‘booze deserts’

The Legislative Research Commission’s Committee on Booze Desert Zones recently concluded that nearly 28.3 percent of North Carolinians lack adequate access to hard liquor. To remedy this, the legislative commission has recommended that a state-run fleet of trucks traveling through alcohol-deprived areas selling bottles of state-controlled hooch may be the best way to alleviate the presence...

CJ Staff
Opinion

PARODY: N.C. Democratic delegates plan soft drink offensive

A contentious issue is bubbling up between North Carolina’s 121 delegates to the Democratic National Convention and national party leaders, and it has nothing to with Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders No, it’s not politics at issue, but soft drinks. North Carolina’s national convention-goers are notorious for imbibing soft drinks, while their Northern counterparts tend...

CJ Staff
Opinion

PARODY: Perdue Calls For Cancellation of 2016 Elections

  Former Gov. Beverly Perdue, a Democrat, has been working privately with members of the state’s Republican General Assembly majority to cancel the 2016 elections, Carolina Journal has learned. It’s a revival of an idea Perdue first mentioned four years ago, as her single term as governor wound down. “I got a lot of grief...

CJ Staff