Opinion

PARODY: UNC study leads to cancellation of football programs

Moved to action by a recently published study from UNC-Chapel Hill professor Andrew Reynolds, football coaches at colleges and universities across North Carolina — with a few exceptions — have asked the NCAA to dissolve their football programs and shift funding and resources to basketball. The study ranked North Carolina’s college football programs at a...

CJ Staff
Opinion

PARODY: Radical overhaul proposed for Council of State races

In an attempt to prevent a repeat of the disruption and delays that ensued in this year’s governor’s race, General Assembly leaders plan to introduce a constitutional amendment that would allow Council of State candidates to choose, in order of their vote totals, which one of the 10 positions they prefer, Carolina Journal has learned. The...

CJ Editors
Opinion

PARODY FLASHBACK: ACC plans move to Bristol, Conn., as response to H.B. 2

Editor’s note: With the announcement that the NCAA will move seven national championship events from North Carolina because House Bill 2 remains part of state law, and the Atlantic Coast Conference considering its own response, we chose to repeat an eerily prescient parody from the August 2016 print edition of Carolina Journal.  Vowing not to be outmaneuvered by...

CJ Staff
Opinion

PARODY: ABC trucks to address N.C. ‘booze deserts’

The Legislative Research Commission’s Committee on Booze Desert Zones recently concluded that nearly 28.3 percent of North Carolinians lack adequate access to hard liquor. To remedy this, the legislative commission has recommended that a state-run fleet of trucks traveling through alcohol-deprived areas selling bottles of state-controlled hooch may be the best way to alleviate the presence...

CJ Staff

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Opinion

PARODY: N.C. Democratic delegates plan soft drink offensive

A contentious issue is bubbling up between North Carolina’s 121 delegates to the Democratic National Convention and national party leaders, and it has nothing to with Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders No, it’s not politics at issue, but soft drinks. North Carolina’s national convention-goers are notorious for imbibing soft drinks, while their Northern counterparts tend...

CJ Staff
Opinion

PARODY: Perdue Calls For Cancellation of 2016 Elections

  Former Gov. Beverly Perdue, a Democrat, has been working privately with members of the state’s Republican General Assembly majority to cancel the 2016 elections, Carolina Journal has learned. It’s a revival of an idea Perdue first mentioned four years ago, as her single term as governor wound down. “I got a lot of grief...

CJ Staff
Opinion

PARODY: McCrory and Roberts Offered ‘Naked and Afraid’ Appearance

Seeking to capitalize on the national debate over bathroom protocol for transgendered people, producers of the hit Discovery Channel survival series “Naked and Afraid” have offered Gov. Pat McCrory and Charlotte Mayor Jennifer Roberts an episode of their own. “This would be a very special episode,” said a show staffer who asked not to be...

CJ Editors
News

PARODY: GOP Plan Puts Real Choice in Congressional Elections

In the event federal judges throw out the latest North Carolina congressional district maps, a group of Republicans in the General Assembly has devised a plan that allows voters to cast their ballot for any state congressional candidate, even if the voter lives in another congressional district, according to sources. No member wanted to be...

CJ Staff
Opinion

PARODY: Raleigh Officials Seek Vibrancy Regulations from U.N.

In an effort to impose still more outdoor dining regulations on Raleigh’s restaurant and bar owners, Mayor Nancy McFarlane, along with city council member Russ Stephenson, took a café tour in late February on the streets of Paris to note the sidewalk seating standards of Europe’s most vibrant city. The two city officials were stunned by...

CJ Staff
Opinion

PARODY: CSX Plans To Buy And Close I-95 Attractions, Say Documents

Even though the administration of Gov. Pat McCrory has called the controversial proposal by CSX to build a railroad terminal in Johnston County near Selma “not viable,” the rail giant continues pursuing the project as one component of a larger plan to buy out entertainment attractions along the Interstate 95 corridor between Washington, D.C., and...

CJ Staff